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A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
-Woody Allen (1935-?) American director, actor and comedian.



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I stumbled upon a startling news yesterday. One in every three American goes through a breakup in the past ten years of their lives. In the quest of our own goals and ambitions, we’ve lost our altruistic inclination towards our better half, our alter ego.

Helpful Hints

I haplessly began reflecting on my own life for the past twenty two years. Indeed, it’s been that long since the day I took vow to live life together with my wife. Like most married couples, we’ve had our sunny and rainy days together. We’ve had our moments of intense struggle and moments of immense joy together. It’s my honest effort to share how we dealt with those moments of silence and intense mental noise that influenced our thoughts to chart our own course. Fortunately, we always stuck to that common thread that tied our emotions, aspirations and desire to seek each other in our darkest hour.

Ego at the helm

We live in the ego centric world. Our life revolves around an often arising mental noise, “What’s in it for me?” Our innate desire to dominate our partner often leads our thoughts towards our own destruction. Our ego is at the helm.

If you are struggling with a relationship, I’ve a shocking revelation for you. On the brink of the collapse, the reality is exactly opposite to what you’ve conditioned your mind to believe. You have drawn all the lines, you’ve victimized yourself in this tragedy by blaming your partner for the situation you are in. Thoughts of, “Why it’s me who has to suffer?” have brainwashed your consciousness to dwell into the reality. Your ego has eclipsed magnanimity to heal the pain of your partner who is also hurt as much or more in this moment of struggle. Being aware of the role your ego plays in this struggle is the first step towards path of rejuvenation. Relationship is not about me, it’s about my wife and children who’ve given their unwavering commitment to my happiness.

Path of Resistance

Often I’ve felt that the stress that arises from the relationship attributes to the resistance that sprouts fixed notion of how my partner should behave with me. This is simple yet profound revelation. My fixation on how my alter ego behaves stems from my inner resistance to accept the fact that a healthy relationship begins with awareness to embrace life without expectations. When result is non-conforming to my expectations, I shall begin to see the lack of my own judgment. Often, with our ego at the helm, we develop resistance towards an outcome that’s non-conforming to our selfish, egocentric desires. Remember, resistance is inertia and inertia is the progression towards the end.

Tips to rejuvenate the relationship:

  • Selflessness

First and foremost step to a strong relationship is to develop selflessness. With selflessness, we learn to allow the voice of our partner to sink into our consciousness. With selflessness, we develop altruistic inclination to do what’s in best interest of our partner. Spend an hour a day to focus solely on the act of selflessness. Be empathetic by preparing a meal for your partner or by doing whatever that pleases your significant other.

  • Express Gratitude

I keep a diary to write down everything that has come to fruition by the efforts of my wife. She takes care of my daughters. She prepares meals and she buys everything that my business needs daily. To me the impact of gratitude repels blemish of my ego. We have two beautiful, extremely intelligent young daughters who have learned the importance of character and values from my wife. Write down the list of all the goodness that your alter ego has bestowed upon your life and revisit the list often to remain humble and to allow desire to commit your life resources for your alter ego.

  • Spend time together

Allow an hour of you day to spend with your alter ego. As silly as it may sound, the compounding effect is invaluable. By spending time together walking or simply by talking about the day of your life, you create a value system that shares same passion and ideals for both of you. It also allows one another to understand and visualize the path of the future.

  • Remember “Why” and “What”

It’s easy to allow anger and despair to cloud your awareness when going gets tough. At the moment of intense mental noise, remember why you entered into this relationship and what inspired you to gravitate towards your partner. These two little words can do wonders to insure your relationship in the moment of crisis. You’ll feel rejuvenation in the spur of the moment by reflecting on the core values of the relationship.

Collaborative Exercise:

Have you ridden on the wheels that needed an alignment? If you ignore the problem, a chatter magnifies into a larger issue as time goes. Life is no different. When we are out of alignment with our life goals, our chatter manifests into a precipitous disaster down the road.

Life Goals:

A relationship is a journey based on faith and love. It’s an odyssey that never ends. Life goals align our values and dreams to create transparency. Transparency becomes our road map on this journey for life. Take time to go away on a retreat or some other place together. Take a journal and start writing everything that comes to your consciousness. Ask your partner to freely express what he or she wants from the life. This beautiful, serene conversation becomes the foundation of a strong relationship. Write your motto as a family, your social values, your financial goals and your lifestyle goals. Do not resist. Allow expressions to flow. You’ll be amazed at the sheer power of expressions when you align your life goals.

Develop Awareness:

Awareness controls our emotions. Emotions arise from the unconscious state of egotist thoughts. Awareness repels our ego and allows us to witness the moment of crisis in our relationship without any stereotypical interjection of defense. It develops a deep consciousness to cultivate the truth with absolute clarity. Often when we argue, we feel defensive. We interject thoughts that are poignant. This behavior becomes habit to the point that our emotional noise holds our consciousness hostage to ruin our relationship. Make a daily effort to develop awareness to witness the truth without bias. If both of you develop awareness to witness the moment of crisis without bias, a relationship with clarity and unshakable faith evolves.

Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) German-Swiss-U.S. scientist.



Have you struggled to rejuvenate your relationship lately?Do you have any ideas to share?Let’s begin the conversation.

Elsewhere - My friend Daivdya has written a beautiful, poetic article on Resistance. A must read.

Photo Courtesy of Timecather


To Your Success,